Choose Her Identity

The other day I went hunting for casual - but cute - dresses. I use to tell myself that I hated dresses, skirts, shorts, or just anything that revealed my legs which I also hated. But I bought this one red dress, adored it, and now all I want to do is walk around in dresses. Anyway, I went to the store with some friends and I could hardly find any casual dresses. My favorite kind of dresses are fit & flare. But I love a good fitted dress. In my head, my body isn't like GOD DAMN, so I prefer fitted clothes. I love skinny jeans, and tank tops although I dress like some conservative bitch who never misses a day of church. 

I found this dress that was pretty simple, and fitted. It literally hugged my body better than I can hug myself. And as I was staring at my reflection I felt so uncomfortable because I was seeing my body. I was seeing the "curvy-ness" (making up words because if Shakespeare can do it, I can to) that others have mentioned. I don't know how to explain it, but if you were to outline my figure, it widens around my hips then goes back to the slimness (if that's a word). It's almost similar to an hourglass figure except my top half isn't huge. Like I said, I see myself as this skinny little twig so it was kinda cool while it lasted.

I didn't end up buying the dress because of many reasons but the main one being I didn't want to accept that my body isn't the bland shapeless "thing" I picture it to be. For fifteen years, SO many people have called me "twig", "twig branch." "bones", "skeleton," and I mean my name might as well be skinny bitch for the amount of times I've been called one. And so of course since I never heard anything good about my physical appearance I just figured I'm some nothing but a skinny bitch. That's not even the frustrating part.

I actually believe the derogatory bullshit labels people have slumped me under. I can't even say one good thing about myself, yet ask me what I would like to change and I'll give you a list within two seconds. I'm seriously so hard on myself; i'm always beating myself up about not being "pretty enough" because my parents, my sisters, my brothers, cunts at school, have always built me up to believe that I'm worth nothing, I'm ugly as fuck, and I should never complain about anything because I'M A FUCKING SIZE TWO. 

And crap like that isn't easy to get over; I'll break myself before I fix myself because it's what I know. It's what comes to my head when I see myself. I don't see the pretty eyes people say I have. I don't see white teeth. I don't see my model figure. 

Bullshit is legit the hardest thing to climb over because it takes so long to realize that it's a pile that was never really there. I know that you'll only ever be what you perceive yourself to be. I know that I'm only as ugly as I think I am. And that's the most frustrating part. Knowing what it takes to find solace in who you are and what you look like, but not being to.

Especially because people who don't even matter to me are the reason that I think so poorly of myself. I mean, they've realllllly fucked me up inside and it boggles every crevasse in my mind that they're probably not aware of that. It literally kills me.

Never let someone else choose your identity - it is all you have.

SONG FOR TODAY: BLACK MAGIC WOMAN - SANTANA